Family: (L to R) Cousin Dennis, Grandma,
Brothers Jose & James.
A Letter for Grandmother, Lucia!
JUNE 8, 2014, 11:35PM JAPAN EASTERN TIME
Relief
_________________________________________
Dear Grandma,
I do not know where to begin. Time glides by and I feel lost on many occasions. You were here, here in my life trying to give us the bread of each day. I did not know what was happening. I truly did not unscramble what you were providing for us aside from food. You protected us more than a man would his own family. You were the strongest wolf I met and you wanted the best for us. You wanted to prove to others that we too could be successful in a different way. No one understood you like I understand you. No one felt more protected by your side like I did.
You are my morning flower and the nightly moon, and you are the sun that never sleeps in my heart and soul. Today is not the anniversary of your death, but it is the day that I pour myself out in rivers of tears because you were amazing and sick, yet you took care of your grandchildren who had terrible attitudes (us) and you did not have any energy left. Days go by and my sickness gets better and worse. I feel good at times and terrible on other days. I hope to get over this so that I too can be strong like you were, feel happiness and have a great future ahead of me. Although dreams disappear, I always have you in my mind and spirit. You had five children and almost all of them died before you. No wonder you felt alone in a world where there was nothing left other than pain and a bed.
My wish is that wherever you are, your spirit is merry. May your pain have vanished, may you be able to see in color and experience happiness again or for the first time like you deserve. You took care of us with your love, the love that one grandmother could give her kids and grandkids without bitterness nor hate. A love and warmth that I would love to give my children and grandchildren some day. If that day comes, I will always remember it in my heart because you taught me the beauty of caring even when you did not receive it until your first prayer during your last months. I love you so much and I will love you one thousand lifetimes later. I will give you kisses and hugs again and again.
Grandma, why did I not write to you sooner? I do not know. You were the pillar that helped me become assertive. You helped me escape and I remember it as if it were yesterday. Together with my little sister. Since then, I have been doing the same thing. I escape, renew my life and learn. Each time I move I hear you through the wind. I remember you said you wanted to disappear. I wanted you to have the strength to do it before and be by my side again. Yet now, now and now I am realizing that we disappeared. Yes, you did it! My grandma so beautiful, you accomplished it. For this I applaud you today because I have grasped your concept. I learned that moment that wanting to do something should lead you to do it.
Every time I see people with the same problem who confide in telling me something similar, I give them the same message I gave you. Leave, you don't need to stay here! I wanted you to be happy after all. You lived in fear and you armed yourself to manipulate those nights when he came home drunk. Those were many. Some people thought it was easy to get out but like many women have experienced in the past with comparable situations, it isn't.
At the end of the day, you had a plan. You masked your way out and just when you felt comfortable enough to leave your granddaughters in a safe place, you dropped. Dropped hard and almost died. That was the morning I exhaled. Your mind was deteriorated and you did not want nor could fight anymore. You even had that planned out.
I want the world to know how brave you were. You taught me so much and I will never forget that. Everything is falling into place now, almost 18 years later. Thank you for your courageousness, for giving me a beautiful mother and for placing me with your sister. I adore you more than mothers adore their children and more than god adores the planet. I am sending you never-ending kisses, infinite hugs and euphoria until there is no more of it exists.
Love dearly your granddaughter,
Jennifer Gutierrez
JUNE 8, 2014, 11:35PM JAPAN EASTERN TIME
Relief
_________________________________________
Dear Grandma,
I do not know where to begin. Time glides by and I feel lost on many occasions. You were here, here in my life trying to give us the bread of each day. I did not know what was happening. I truly did not unscramble what you were providing for us aside from food. You protected us more than a man would his own family. You were the strongest wolf I met and you wanted the best for us. You wanted to prove to others that we too could be successful in a different way. No one understood you like I understand you. No one felt more protected by your side like I did.
You are my morning flower and the nightly moon, and you are the sun that never sleeps in my heart and soul. Today is not the anniversary of your death, but it is the day that I pour myself out in rivers of tears because you were amazing and sick, yet you took care of your grandchildren who had terrible attitudes (us) and you did not have any energy left. Days go by and my sickness gets better and worse. I feel good at times and terrible on other days. I hope to get over this so that I too can be strong like you were, feel happiness and have a great future ahead of me. Although dreams disappear, I always have you in my mind and spirit. You had five children and almost all of them died before you. No wonder you felt alone in a world where there was nothing left other than pain and a bed.
My wish is that wherever you are, your spirit is merry. May your pain have vanished, may you be able to see in color and experience happiness again or for the first time like you deserve. You took care of us with your love, the love that one grandmother could give her kids and grandkids without bitterness nor hate. A love and warmth that I would love to give my children and grandchildren some day. If that day comes, I will always remember it in my heart because you taught me the beauty of caring even when you did not receive it until your first prayer during your last months. I love you so much and I will love you one thousand lifetimes later. I will give you kisses and hugs again and again.
Grandma, why did I not write to you sooner? I do not know. You were the pillar that helped me become assertive. You helped me escape and I remember it as if it were yesterday. Together with my little sister. Since then, I have been doing the same thing. I escape, renew my life and learn. Each time I move I hear you through the wind. I remember you said you wanted to disappear. I wanted you to have the strength to do it before and be by my side again. Yet now, now and now I am realizing that we disappeared. Yes, you did it! My grandma so beautiful, you accomplished it. For this I applaud you today because I have grasped your concept. I learned that moment that wanting to do something should lead you to do it.
Every time I see people with the same problem who confide in telling me something similar, I give them the same message I gave you. Leave, you don't need to stay here! I wanted you to be happy after all. You lived in fear and you armed yourself to manipulate those nights when he came home drunk. Those were many. Some people thought it was easy to get out but like many women have experienced in the past with comparable situations, it isn't.
At the end of the day, you had a plan. You masked your way out and just when you felt comfortable enough to leave your granddaughters in a safe place, you dropped. Dropped hard and almost died. That was the morning I exhaled. Your mind was deteriorated and you did not want nor could fight anymore. You even had that planned out.
I want the world to know how brave you were. You taught me so much and I will never forget that. Everything is falling into place now, almost 18 years later. Thank you for your courageousness, for giving me a beautiful mother and for placing me with your sister. I adore you more than mothers adore their children and more than god adores the planet. I am sending you never-ending kisses, infinite hugs and euphoria until there is no more of it exists.
Love dearly your granddaughter,
Jennifer Gutierrez
